it’s more than moldy cheese and janky SUVs

Marriage is hard. I could never deny this fact. There have been too many tears and silent car rides and earnest prayers to do so.

But that’s not the end of the story. And in talking to a dear unmarried friend today, who is looking ahead at the next year and the possibility of it including marriage, it came up that this is the central message given to those who are not married. The reference point of the conversation was, of course, a super spiritual discussion on a point in Mindy Kaling’s book, Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?

“I don’t want to hear about the endless struggles to keep sex exciting, or the work it takes to plan a date night. I want to hear that you guys watch every episode of The Bachelorette together in secret shame, or that one got the other hooked on Breaking Bad and if either watches it without the other, they’re dead meat. I want to see you guys high-five each other like teammates on a recreational softball team you both do for fun.”

I’m never going to stop telling people that marriage is hard. It’s definitely one of the hardest things I have ever done. There are days that the unexplained tension won’t leave and seasons when sex is hard and times when prayer is the only thing left to cling to. Life doesn’t stop being hard when you get married. You not only experience your own storms but also someone else’s.

But at the same time, and to an even greater extent, marriage is the best. In fact, it is so good, that it makes all of the hard things so worth it. I would walk on hot coals to be with this man, and we are best friends. You have to be to get through – and laugh about – gray Februarys and janky SUVs (he just wants to drive it over a cliff most days) and overdrafted checking accounts and moldy cheese in the fridge because someone didn’t close the ziploc all the way.

It’s the daily things that keep that our friendship alive. This might all seem sappy, and it is not intended as bragging, but hopefully as an encouragement to single friends that marriage is fun, even with the frantic, and I would love to see my married friends ponder similar lists to appreciate this aspect of their own relationship with their spouses. Find the glue that holds you together when external things come crashing down.

Eric and I ride our road bikes through back country roads to chase the setting sun, and he is so good to encourage me to keep pedaling the whole way home.

We play Uno after dinner because he had some sort of deprived childhood where he never learned to play it, and I introduced him to it a couple of months ago. Last weekend, we played it with some friends, and he couldn’t believe the difference between a two-player game and a four-player game.

We don’t have cable, or any TV channels for that matter, so we watched through all of How I Met Your Mother on Netflix to catch up with the current season, and now we anticipate Tuesday nights, so that we can eat dinner on the couch and watch the most recent episode online.

We take long drives when we are bored on a Saturday afternoon or evening – or when one of us is upset and can’t figure out why. Some of our most important processing and decision-making has come through drives where the only option is to talk things out. And we bring the dog a lot of times, just to get him out of the house in case he is bored, too.

We find any and every excuse to drive through Shipley’s for donuts on a weekend morning. Woke up 10 minutes later than planned on a Sunday? Or out of cereal on a Saturday morning and too lazy to make eggs or oatmeal? Donuts are obviously the only option. Plus Shipley’s is like 0.2 miles from our house.

He laughs at the drawling way I pronounce oil and tomato and cities ending in -ville (“ohll” and “tomatah” and “-vuhl”), and I make fun of the way he says Colorado (“ra” as in “radish” instead of “ra” as in “rock”).

We play Wikipedia games, making the other person start on one topic and find a way to click through to another topic (i.e. start on Bill Clinton and find your way to fluorescent lamp).

He randomly pins pictures on my Pinterest boards of ideas for our bedroom or our front door color. We daydream a lot about house projects and “one day” ideas.

When I drank coffee one evening a couple of weeks ago and was too wired to go to bed, we built a pallet on the floor in the living room and I watched episodes of Gilmore Girls for three hours while he slept on my shoulder.

Any farts that may or may not be sourced by one of us are blamed on the dog.

We sing Taylor Swift while cleaning up after dinner, and he wears my floral apron to wash dishes.

We dream of new ways to destroy that janky 4Runner – his favorite and most-often suggested is to toss a grenade inside and run for the hills.

He gets frustrated at how often I am able to guess the surprise he has planned, and I tell him it’s just because I know him so well. He is my best friend, after all.

What are the daily glues that hold your relationships together, whether it is a spouse or a roommate or a sibling?

Posted on February 27, 2014 by Samantha Barnes 0

an ordinary, everyday soundtrack

Thank you, Ben Rector, for real-life love songs and grounded perspective. This album might be on repeat for awhile…

There are way too many love songs
And I think they’ve got it all wrong
Cause life is not the mountaintops
It’s the walking in between
And I like you walking next to me

–“I Like You”–

I don’t need shiny things
Or love from a movie screen
But I tell you what I really want
Oh oh, oh oh
Give me an ordinary love
That I touch, that I hold
Give me an ordinary love

–“Ordinary Love”–

We’re better off the sooner that we find
That life is mostly what we choose to see
Cause whether or not I’ve got what I want
Life keeps moving on in front of me

–“Life Keeps Moving On”–

Posted on January 22, 2014January 26, 2014 by Samantha Barnes 0

a reflection after two years of marriage

earlier this month, we celebrated our two year anniversary. time just flies.

disclaimer before i begin: this post is not meant to be like one of those blog posts being spread around facebook which tells you the secret behind a happy marriage. or the top ten things to look for in a spouse. or anything like that, which someone will inevitably write a rebuttal to.

those rebuttals are written because every relationship is different, and everyone wants their own word in the conversation. every marriage is different. every story is different. there is no cookie-cutter way to find marital bliss. please don’t take this post that way, but as a reflection on what i have learned after two years into this adventure.

the most important aspect of our marriage, after reflecting on our past year, is a strong relationship with Jesus on the part of both of us.

john and stasi eldredge write the following in love and war:

the greatest gift you can give to your marriage is for you to develop a real relationship with Jesus Christ… We are not simply talking about believing in God. There are many good people who believe in God, but for all practical purposes they still look to their spouse to make them happy… We’re talking about a relationship where you are finding in God the life and love your soul so desperately needs.

and after the past year of marriage, this is more true than ever.

the first year of marriage was easy, as far as my relationship with eric went. we endured our share of hardships and learning curves, but all in all, the difficulties came from outside our oneness.

the second year of marriage has had its share of career changes and financial woes and stress from sharing a car for half of it. life isn’t going to just stop. but more than that, it seemed to add a new level of weight to my relationship with eric. the things we were going through outside our oneness crept inside our oneness. one example is making a life-decision which affected both of us – joining staff with cru – which not only invited in all sorts of doubts and stress in simply trying to be on the same page with this decision, but also seemed to open up a whole new field of spiritual warfare.

the enemy doesn’t quit. if you are a believer, he is always finding new ways to get his foot in the door in your life, and when you get married, it affects both of you. when eric is wrestling, i am wrestling and fighting alongside him – whether i choose it or not. that’s the thing about getting married and becoming one.

and i am not here to brag. we don’t have this thing down all the time. but i can see growth in our relationship, in how much more quickly we realize that we need to pray, and that things aren’t right with God. we aren’t always consistent with our individual quiet times. but when we are, it makes a difference.

and it is most definitely a we thing. my walk with God is not – and cannot – be enough to sustain eric in the long run. when he is struggling, i can be a strength for him, but it will not be the solution (and visa versa, because, i’ll be honest, i feel that i am weak more often than he).

i don’t know how we would make it through marriage if we weren’t individually walking with God and growing in that walk. i don’t know how anyone would make it.

it is that relationship, with Christ, from which everything else is born and cultivated.
servant attitude. intimacy. selflessness. truth. healthy community. love. friendship. patience.

and praise the Lord, we each had cultivated our personal walks with Him before we got married. before we met, even. not that it can’t be done after you get married, and not that God isn’t glorified in that, but i think the path might be harder.

so, dear single friends, don’t settle. don’t allow your emotions to justify that a boy will figure out a relationship with God later and that building the foundation of the relationship between the two of you is what matters right now. and don’t tell yourself that you will be satisfied in God after He give you a boy, because that won’t happen (at least it hasn’t for me). don’t put off growing in your walk with the Lord because it doesn’t affect anyone else right now. it will.

and dear married friends, give the best gift to your spouse that you can – make time for Christ above all else. it is more important than laundry and a clean house, more important than a well-stocked bank account, more important than a successful career, more important than passion and romance. He will give you what you need to love your spouse “for better or for worse.” when you walk with Christ, it will affect the success of your marriage in a greater way than anything material can, and it will produce a Christ-centered marriage.

which is not going to be perfect, by the way, but it is worth it. so worth it.

**thanks to our sweet friend hilary cranford for our two year anniversary/christmas card photos!

Posted on November 25, 2013November 2, 2014 by Samantha Barnes 2

gratitude for the mundane

i know the point of social media is to display the highlights of your life. you post pictures of the exciting moments, the fancy dinners, the cute things your kids do. it’s a place to brag on yourself and your life without having to justify it.

but the problem comes in when you grow discontent with your life because everyone else’s lives look more fun/exciting/interesting/meaningful/fill-in-the-blank.

we aren’t ready to have kids yet, but when i see pictures of moms and sweet moments with their littles, i get baby-fever for a second. pictures don’t show sleepless nights and discipline issues and cleaning up messes – just the good stuff.

it’s an unrealistic picture of life – it’s one-sided.

and the solution for social media-induced restlessness is gratitude, which leads to contentment. so please don’t see this post as me bragging, but simply finding things to be grateful for in the midst of a more mundane season.

i am grateful for squash that turns into spaghetti when roasted, and for being able to serve dinner in a squash-shell.

i am grateful for bean boots and fall walks with our pup.

i am grateful for a pup who likes to watch me make dinner and wash dishes.

i am grateful for evenings alone to get lost in my thoughts – and for the anticipation of my husband returning home. i am grateful for God’s provision and how it is always enough.

Posted on November 20, 2013November 2, 2014 by Samantha Barnes 0

do dogs have a “good side”?

our sweet friend hilary took some pictures of us recently so that we can have a good photo for christmas cards. i feel like sending our christmas cards is such an adult thing.

ridley behaved for most of the shots, but this is one of our favorites:

what kind of face is that??

this one is another keeper:

pretty sure i am off in my own world instead of paying attention to eric and ridley… and i look like i have the excitement of a six year old at getting to play with leaves.

Posted on November 12, 2013November 2, 2014 by Samantha Barnes 0

a walk on campus

Posted on October 28, 2013November 2, 2014 by Samantha Barnes 0

just about us

Very rarely do I update this blog on our day-to-day life. My purpose in this blog is less of a life story and more of a writing outlet with the significant things God is showing me. But so much has happened in the past couple of months that I thought it would be worth it to tell a little more.

First of all, we are joining staff with Cru! We recently attended an 8-day condensed New Staff Training, which had so much information that it felt a little like drinking from a fire hydrant, but it was so encouraging and affirming for this direction! For more about our ministry vision, you can visit our Cru-specific site at http://www.ericandsamanthabarnes.com.

Second, Eric rode in his first “crit” race. This is a cycling race around a small course for a set amount of time – just getting in as many laps as you can and trying to finish first in your group. Previously, he has primarily been a distance rider, focusing on going further and being “fast” at that, but this is a different type of speed and strategy. He really enjoyed it, and I think he learned a lot. The crit season is actually over for the most part – it is a spring event, so who knows how much more he will be involved next year!

Third, we got a dog! Right now, it’s the best we are going to do to keep up with our friends buying houses and having babies, haha. His name is Ridley and he is a 2-year old border collie. We adopted him from a friend who wasn’t able to give him the attention he needed, and this dog has been such a fun blessing for us during this season! Especially as company for me, since I am working from home right now as we raise support.

Date Night at Arsaga’s on Dickson Street

It’s a rough life, lounging while Sam is working

Family Picture

Posted on June 11, 2013June 19, 2013 by Samantha Barnes 0

the dreaded question – and the evidence of an intentionally-woven story

If you could do anything – have any job – what would it be?

I used to hate that question. In college, the answer was always, “I want to be on staff with Cru and do college ministry. Forever and ever.” Then, the Lord changed those plans two months before graduation. And for the past 18 months, I have felt burned by that.

I didn’t necessarily have a good reason for declining my acceptance to the internship program. There wasn’t some major dream job I wanted to pursue instead. That was my dream. And I felt like the Lord moved me away from it for no reason.

I was never bitter at God, but I was confused.

And for the past 18 months, I had no clue how to answer the previously stated question. I felt guilty saying that I wanted to do women’s ministry, since I had the chance and gave it up.

>>I actually wrote the above back in September – almost eight months ago – and never finished that thought. I was recently cleaning out my drafts, found this partially-written post, and was struck with amazement at God’s sense of irony and His perfect timing. The original motivation for posting this was a conversation Eric and I had while taking a drive one night. I was upset about the job I was working then, but beyond that, I was frustrated that I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life. We had just decided that seminary was not the right decision for us, and I was feeling completely lost as far as my purpose and my dreams. Eric asked me that dreaded question – if you could do anything, what would be it be – and for the first time, I just blurted out the first thing that came to mind. I said something along the lines of wanting to invest in the lives of other women, talking about Jesus and life and challenging them in their spiritual walks. To see baby believers and apathetic Christians come to a place where they are passionate for the Lord and consistently growing to a spiritual maturity.

God’s power in writing a story is just incredible. Two and a half months after that conversation, I started a new job, which also allowed me to see the possibility of change in my life. And as great as my experience has been at this job for five months, the Lord is calling me to something else. And it is to spend the full-time “working hours” of my week investing in women as we talk about Jesus and college and life, and how to catch the vision for what God is doing on their college campus. I am so excited to join staff with Cru (formerly Campus Crusade for Christ) and see what God has prepared for this next phase of life! Everything has come full-circle, and I am so thankful for the path the Lord laid out.

An e-mail containing my resignation notice was sent out this past week at work, and a lump caught in my throat as I stared at it.

This is really happening.

Posted on May 1, 2013 by Samantha Barnes 0

learning to not focus on fear

“There is nothing like suspense and anxiety for barricading a human’s mind against the Enemy. He wants men to be concerned with what they do; our business is to keep them thinking about what will happen to them.” -C.S. Lewis, The Screwtape Letters (from the perspective of a demon, thus God is the Enemy, if you haven’t read this book before)

Until the past several months, I never thought of myself as a fearful person. Lately, though, I have been plagued by irrational what-ifs. During the day time, I am embarrassed to admit the crazy scenarios played out in my head.

At night, though, they seem so plausible.

Which is why I laid very still last night, listening to Eric’s breathing but also listening for any unusual sounds in the house. Which is difficult, because our house already makes strange random sounds – tree branches remind us that they need to be trimmed when they scratch our windows, the wood floor creaks as the heat switches on and off, and the wind seemed unusually loud and unpredictable.

Eric and I prayed against fear, but just as I would feel myself start to drift to sleep, I would startle awake and eye the light crack under the door for any sort of moving shadows in the hall.

Ridiculous. I know.

Not only did we pray, though, but I have been memorizing Scripture lately to help me fight fear.

“When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid. What can flesh do to me?” -Psalm 56:3-4

“God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore, we will not fear though the earth gives way, though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea… the Lord of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress.” -Psalm 45:1-2, 7

Yet I chose to dwell on the fear. It was a conscious decision to keep imagining what could happen if an intruder was in our house. Why he would be, I don’t know, but at the time, it felt so real.

And I don’t know why I don’t choose faith. Why I don’t choose to trust. Do I not believe that God is in control? Do I not believe that He is watching out for His children? Yes, bad things happen, and yes, there is sin in the world, but do I trust that He is holding me (and Eric) no matter what? And – the big question – what do I have to fear of death? Death is the “worst-case scenario” when I find myself trapped in this battle, but as a Christian, I have no need to fear death. My God is victorious over death.

And, as Eric always reminds me, I have a strong man to protect me ;)

Posted on December 26, 2012June 6, 2013 by Samantha Barnes 0

brrr in the air

Winter is here.

Despite the warmer temperatures during the day, I feel it. My feet feel it on chilled hardwood each morning. The gray skyline boasts of dwindling sunlight while the air teases my taste buds, hinting at snow symptoms without actually releasing any moisture save rain.

Plus the fact that my cold-natured self can’t handle the temps in the mornings OR evenings, so I layer up with my puffy Mountain Hardwear jacket, even if the promised high is in the 50s or 60s.

There are things I welcome about winter: oversized sweaters textured with corduroy pants. Thick wool socks to skate around our house. Snuggling on the couch with the hubby. Hearty stews and soups to crumble in crackers. Crackling fires (or the memory of them until Eric and I live in a home with a fireplace). Cinnamon-scented candles. { Except for the candle with the wick that drifted off to the side last night, overheating the glass and burning a blister into my finger. } Frost-filmed grass.

Winter makes me want to write poetry. Actually, the transition into any new season brings on this desire. I haven’t written anything since completing my honors thesis a year and a half ago, so until I am disciplined enough to put pencil to paper, here is my poem on winter from my thesis collection.

TO WINTER

Come like a cat on silent paws.
Come like a sneak attack.

Come first only at night.
Come for the fallen leaves.

Come through my window –
Come creeping through unplastered crevice.

Come with sour, self-centered eyes.
Come bite my toes through threadbare wool.

Come rub your neck against my ankles.
Come shed a chill I can’t brush off.

Posted on December 17, 2012December 17, 2012 by Samantha Barnes 0

samantha c. barnes