Author: Samantha Barnes

20-something Arkansan navigating through the early years of marriage with Eric, a stud of a husband, and Ridley, a border collie pup.

buried in frost-hardened earth

The death which winter brings has always haunted me.

Gold- and red-painted leaves decorating the sky and the sidewalk transform into a crumbling, disintegrating pile littering cars and entryways of houses. Squirrels and songbirds disappear as if hiding from the decay seeming to approach their world. And humans seek shelter within layers of fleece and wool, slowly separating themselves as well.

Death is unpleasant. Death is lonely. Death grabs at us, taunting with its mystery and frightening with the horror of the unknown and unexpected.

“Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit.” -John 12:24

Yet, somehow, death brings beauty. I don’t know how it happens, really – how dying can produce life. Seems like such an antonymic idea, pairing death and life together and teaching them to work in tandem. Yet that’s our God.

I like this word picture of wheat. I never picture a single stalk of growing wheat. When I picture wheat, I picture a full field of it, the sun setting, and a slight breeze bumping and twisting the stalks together.

Then the winter comes. Stalks turn brittle and grains disappear, driven away by the wind and buried in isolation beneath cold, frost-hardened earth. A depressing end to a lovely scene.

The beauty is found in that it is not the end of the story.

This death is necessary. The grains must fall off the stalk, separate from the field, and remain buried in the cold, hard earth – for that is where the life happens. Life cannot be found by clinging on as long as possible to the stalk. The isolation, death, and burial play a vital role in the new life the grain will experience.

As well as in the life we will experience.

In order to be fruitful and producing believers, death is involved. Death to ourselves. Death to our desires. Death to our plans. Maybe death to a relationship or a pursuit or entitlement. Wherever your death lies, it will happen. Like physical death, this death is inevitable – at least for those who want to follow Christ and grow in His likeness. It’s not always pretty, and it’s not always convenient.

Our hope comes not in that we can avoid death, but that from death our Lord will bring something beautiful, something greater than where we once were. 

Death has a purpose. The key, I am learning, is to cling to the hope of life – as opposed to being dominated by death. Just as in the story of the wheat, death is not final… unless you allow it to be. You can let spiritual or personal death be the end, or you can allow it to be the beginning.

You can trust that the Lord is bringing something through the winter in your life, and you can remember the faithfulness of the spring to appear. The dying leaves play a vital role in the renewal of soil, and death to your plans plays a vital role in the renewal of God’s direction for your life. I think we see most clearly when the world around us is barren and all that is left is the nudging voice of our God.

And in the end, even physical death does not defeat us. We have the hope of eternal life, where death will be no more.

{P.S. “You Will Revive Me Again” was written under this concept last winter.}

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24

Today is Eric’s 24th birthday! I feel so blessed that we have gotten married at this point in life – we are going to get to celebrate a lot of birthdays together, and this is the first one since we have been married a short almost-two-months.

However, in that short amount of time,  I have already seen so many things I love about him. So, for his birthday, I wanted to make a list of 24 things I love about him. Sappy? Yes. No shame – I love this man.

  1. He looks me in the eyes and re-promises his marital vows to me, every day.
  2. It is always exciting to come home to him after work.
  3. He makes praying together a priority.
  4. He likes anything and everything I cook – the only exception involved my adding too many jalapenos.
  5. He quotes lines and songs from movies in funny voices.
  6. Every night, he makes sure the kitchen is clean before getting ready for bed.
  7. He tells me every day that he thinks I am beautiful.
  8. He does the dishes daily because he knows it is my least favorite chore and we don’t have a dishwasher.
  9. He volunteers to heat my car up every morning before work.
  10. He has taken such sweet care of me when I have been sick, feverish, throwing up, and at my worst (which has happened twice since we have been married).
  11. He is conscious and wise when it comes to our finances, and he started working on our budget even before we got married.
  12. When we share ice cream, he always lets me choose chocolate even though he doesn’t like it.
  13. He plays the guitar.
  14. He is constantly on the look out for good devotionals for us to do together.
  15. He understood my need to decorate and settle into the house and helped make it a home.
  16. He goes with me into the basement at night to do laundry because he knows it creeps me out a little down there.
  17. He gives really good hugs.
  18. He plans really creative dates.
  19. He is constantly praying for me.
  20. He has a heart to use our marriage to encourage others and bring glory to God.
  21. He likes to daydream together about the future.
  22. He challenges me in my personal time with the Lord.
  23. He’s a hunk.
  24. He puts Christ first in his life and in our marriage.
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e-commerce christmas

Christmas has felt kind of off for me this year.

I have been working in the customer service department of an e-commerce company. We run 11 online retail stores, a few of which have become very successful. However, as I am sure those who work in physical retail stores can attest, the days leading from Thanksgiving to Christmas are absolutely mad. (Side note: I would say that e-commerce is worse, but we don’t have to deal face-to-face with people. And I have never worked this time of year in physical retail, so really, I have no right to declare which is worse. Of course, I think people are more awful over the phone or e-mail, as they can ignore social rules of conduct and courtesy. But, I digress.)

There are people who are absolutely crazy this time of year! The Christmas presents they are buying seem as important as life itself! If an item was back ordered or their order wouldn’t get to them in time for Christmas because they misread the information on the website (ships in 2-5 days does not mean it arrives in 2-5 days), they threw a fit. Their fourteen year old son would not be able to wait two extra days for the $150.00 pair of boots.

I had a lady tell me that, because a pair of “foot undeez” (basically, half-socks) was back ordered until February, I was ruining her daughter’s Christmas.

For four weeks, we worked ten+ hours straight in order to answer phones and respond to e-mails of customers who all had one question on their mind: “Will I get it in time for Christmas?”

We bent over backwards for many customers, calling manufacturers and suggesting products and checking availability and even redirecting packages after they had already shipped out, which is not easy to do. And we did have some very thankful customers. A couple who apologize for their nasty behavior. But, in general, people forgot that we are people too. That mistakes happen, whether on our end or theirs. Their Christmas was dependent on our products, and if we could not get their order to them within three days (it’s amazing that people in Oregon think a package can ship from Arkansas to them within two days) then we deserved to be yelled at, cussed at, called names, whatever their form of venting released.

And that’s what I saw of pre-Christmas preparation. Not the fun Christmas music playing in cute little shopping centers with people dressed in red and white and smiling at each other. I am sure that was out there, or at least in the movies, but I saw a very greedy, very materialistic view of Christmas, where their happiness depended on a sweatshirt that of course has been on continuous back order.

That’s when I think all of us decided that we never wanted Christmas to be like that for us. For these people, it no longer seemed like it was about family and thankfulness and a time to reflect – Christ was no where near their Christmases.

I don’t want to value the presents so much that our happiness depends on them. I don’t want to raise children who are going to be extremely disappointed and upset that the pair of $20.00 socks is not in their stocking. I want the presents to be a fun, minimal feature of Christmas, and I pray that Christ is the forefront.

And this morning, as I woke up at 7 and came to the living room, I was happy that Eric and I only bought one present for each other. I bought fun little stocking stuffers as a surprise, but it’s mostly candy (and bb’s for his new bb gun he walked away from a Christmas party with – and the green army men for him to use as targets – in the basement not the living room). I sat down on the couch and read a chapter in the book we are reading together, given to us as a wedding present. It’s about the life of Jesus, and we are still near the beginning, so we have gotten to read some really great historical background and insights into the birth of Christ.

So this morning, as I sip my Earl Grey and await for Eric to wake up and open the new sleeping bag I bought him for our camping trips this coming spring, I am excited to give him a gift, but more than that I am thankful for the God of the universe choosing to live with us and die for us, of his own free will, because of how He loves us.

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working out – and working it out

Eric and I joined the gym. He needs an outlet since it’s too cold to ride his bike or run, and I need physical activity to keep me from being mopey in the winter. Plus I hear it’s good for me.

Eric used to be really into going to the gym. Throughout his first few years of college, I think he was in the gym more than in class. He knows his way around the weight machines and knows how much weight to work with.

Me? I played sports at a small high school. We didn’t have a weight training gym, but boy did we run. Sprints, laps, line drills, suicides… my work out involved alternating sprinting, sprinting with a basketball in my hand, and crouching in a defensive position and shuffling in patterns around the court. When we messed up, we did push ups until we collapsed. I had actually never worked out in a gym until college, save maybe goofing around once or twice in high school with friends who had memberships to local fitness clubs.

In college, I went to the gym for social reasons. If my friends went, I didn’t want to be left out, so I tagged along. I think I can count on one hand the number of times I went alone and of my own initiative in four years of college. I normally would go with two or three girls and follow them around, doing whatever they did with however much for however long. I was a copy cat, and going with friends meant I had the security of knowing what to do since they would do it before me.

If I were ever forced to go alone, I stuck to cardio. The elliptical and the bike are fairly safe bets – no matter the brand, no matter the location, they are going to work pretty much the same. I don’t do any of those pre-set programs, either; quick start all the way. Easy. Embarrassment-free.

And that has kind of been my philosophy the first couple of times Eric and I have gone to the gym. I let him do weight training, and I’ll stick to my cardio, thank you very much. I hate feeling clueless, especially in a gym where it feels like everything is common sense to everyone else. It’s a trendy gym with brand new equipment, iPod chargers and TV screens at each cardio machine, and quotes over the walls describing the different ways they are doing things “green.” I always feel a little like I don’t belong, like I’m a few dri-fit shirts short of being legit.

One morning, I was pedaling along, by myself, until some guy came and sat on the machine next to me. I know people say it doesn’t matter what you are doing on your own machine because no one is looking, but I am one of those people that looks. I’ll admit it – just don’t tell anyone at my gym. I am not ready for any sort of a reputation.

I just have this tendency to compare my work out with the person next to me. I really should stop, because it never makes me feel better. I was going at a resistance of three, thinking I was doing good, then noticed that this guy was up to eight. I didn’t even know the numbers went that high! And he was going the same speed as me, maybe faster. I hoped he wasn’t looking at my screen, but I still wanted to scream, “I just joined the gym! Give me time! Don’t judge me based on this!”

But, that’s the thing – I just joined the gym. I have to work up to that level – which, at the rate we are going, might take a very long time. However, it’s a process. I can’t go once and all of a sudden be in shape. I am going to have to go more frequently and try new things and not care what other people think.

And my level is going to look very different from the person next to me. There are guys in there who look like they probably rip deer apart with their bare hands and eat the meat raw – my little 10- or 15-pound weights are going to look puny next to the amount they are lifting, but that’s (obviously) not the direction I am headed in.

I should probably remember that mindset in life outside the gym, too. It’s easy to compare where the Lord has taken me and what He has given me to another person’s and be embarrassed because it’s no where near the “status” I think they have attained.

Just like working out, though, it’s a process – I am not going to simply “arrive” without the effort and the discipline it takes to build my spiritual muscles, as well as make it a habit to “work out” more than once a week.

The Lord is growing something in me, but I know it’s going to require action and perseverance on my part. It’s not about trying to get to the same stage as someone else, but figuring out what stage the Lord has designed me for and how He has wired me, where He has put me. And when I compare my job, my car, or my wallet to the next person’s, I will always come up short. Because I’m not supposed to measure up to them. I am supposed to grow and measure my growth by the Lord.

Because I will never reach anywhere near lifting the same weight category as a body builder. And I’m okay with that. I will have my own measures of success. Like being able to do more than ten pushups at a time. (Hey, it’s been awhile since high school basketball practice!)

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are you afraid of the dark?

I hate coming home to a dark house. Even if I had locked all the doors before I last left, there is always this fear of the unknown, of what (or who) could be hiding in the dark. Even though I have never dealt with an intruder in my life, the idea of it still scares me. I’d much rather pay a little extra in electricity and leave a light on so that I can come home to a cozy, comforting house than opening the front door and darting through the living room to click on lamps while shivers run up my arms.

However, even though I hate walking through the dark physically, I think that sometimes I have a tendency to cling to the dark spiritually.

John 3:20-21 – “For everyone who does wicked things hates the light and does not come to the light, lest his works should be exposed. But whoever doe what is true comes to the light, so that it may be clearly seen that his works have been carried out in God.”

Darkness provides secrecy. There’s lots of room to hide out and to smuggle things you don’t want others to see. Remember that feeling of playing hide-and-go-seek in the dark? There’s this thrill and fear and anxiousness all jumbled together as you sprint through the yard, running freely in the open since no one can see you, but still knowing that you need to find somewhere to conceal yourself.

My sin is like that. If I am not in prayer or in constant communion with the Lord, there is this false freedom that I can do whatever I want, as long as I can get it hidden before  He finishes counting to thirty and comes looking for me. I can stash my pride and my selfishness in deep corners where surely He cannot find them.

The thing about playing hide-and-go-seek in the dark, though, is that there is always this dread of being caught. Even if you have the best hiding spot there is, your heart is rhythmically pounding down in your stomach as you anticipate what will happen when you get caught. I always feel like it will be the worst thing in the world to be discovered, and even though it is exhilarating to play games in the dark, it is also stressful. Maybe that’s my competitive nature, but I think that any games played in the dark are automatically more intense than games played in the light.

And I know that, when I am living in sin, I am living with that dread of being caught. Of having a flashlight shine on me in the midst of the darkness, exposing the muck of my soul. How much more at rest could I be if I were living in the light? If I, up front, exposed my brokenness and confessed it right off the bat? I might still be living with it, fighting my flesh to walk in the Spirit, but I wouldn’t have to worry about being caught and getting in trouble. I would have peace knowing that God was aware of my sin and could walk in confidence of His love despite His knowledge of my imperfection.

As fun as hide-and-go-seek in the dark is, that’s not how I want to live my life. I want to walk in the light and be real with God. Because He doesn’t need a flashlight to see me in the dark anyway. (cue DC Talk’s “In the Light” for cheesy, thought-provoking music, ‘cause I sure hope it came to mind any way)

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making a mess

Sometimes, when things are a mess, I think we have to make them into an even bigger mess before they can be organized.

Eric and I are in the midst of unpacking and settling into our new home together. I have this inability to relax when things are not all in their place, so he might be able to sit on the couch after work and unwind from the day – but I sit next to him, fidgeting and thinking through all the things I need to get done that evening. (That, by the way, is the reason our bedroom is the one place without boxes and piles of stuff. Growing up, I could never go to sleep if my room was a mess, so I am insisting that the bedroom be free of clutter so it can be the one place we relax.)

While Eric was working late one evening, I decided to make some much-needed headway on unpacking and condensing. However, that condensing turned into a pile of clothes on the bed, a pile of unwanted items in the living room to give to a local thrift store, and a quickly-being-filled trash can of items that fit into neither of the previous categories. I walked through our house (which doesn’t take long – you can stand in one room and see into all the others) and felt like I had made no progress.

But I know that I did. I moved things around to get them one step closer to their final destination, whether it be closet or dumpster. It’s overwhelming to look at a room full of items needing to be sifted through, and it’s hard when you start sifting and feel like you have moved the mess from one room to multiple rooms, but from there it gets easier to put things away.

 

Doesn’t life seem like that? I feel like I am in that place right now career-wise. I had such clear goals for my life leading up to college graduation, or at least an idea of where I thought I was gifted. Now I am six months into a job and, even though I am blessed to be working at this company, I feel like I am no where near where I want to end up. I don’t know that I am using my strengths, but I don’t even know that I could recognize my strengths right now. I went into the job thinking I was exactly where I should be. Then I switched positions. Twice. And I feel further than ever from hitting the sweet spot.

But, the truth is, I have learned a lot in this process. It’s like unpacking – I am learning what I want to keep, what I want to avoid, and what I want to let go of, even if it is something I thought I would want at one point.

So I might feel like I am making even more of a mess of things and getting further from that settled state, but through this journey I am sorting things out and trying to accept that everything is getting clearer. Even if it doesn’t look that way from the outside.

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one of the joys of wedding planning

Wedding planning has not all been a breeze. I quickly learned that it was not just picking colors and making decorations. The logistics are frustrating, and there are days where I am sick of planning and am just ready to be married.

And maybe that’s a good thing – that I am excited about my wedding day, but I am more excited to be married to Eric. I am planning a simple wedding, low-budget, not only because that is my and my family’s financial situation, but also because to me it’s more important to have the people in my life there than it is to limit a guest list so that we can serve fancy food or be in the most elaborate venue. In fact, I am asking my in-town friends to bring food for the reception, since it’s in-between meal times.

{If you haven’t been to our wedding website yet, it’s http://www.mywedding.com/ericlovessamantha. Cute, right?}

However, one of the really fun things about preparing for a wedding is registering for wedding gifts! Eric and I have next to nothing in terms of what you need for a house, so it is such a blessing that we have friends who want to bless us.

Also, it’s fun to daydream about the kind of house I want to have. And the kind of kitchen. I am getting so excited about putting a home together! Earlier this week, Eric and I received our first wedding gift – a blender!

My company recently started a cooking supply store, and I have been eyeing many of the products. Mostly daydreaming, as most of it is higher-end products that will probably be things I invest in over time. Such as the KitchenAid Artisan mixer. This is on my wish list in cobalt blue, though if I had seen the yellow pepper color first I probably would have registered for that since it is so bright and cheery, and would be a great accent for my planned blue-and-white kitchen colors.

I also registered for Calphalon’s Simply Nonstick cookware set,  and I am so excited to cook with matching pots and pans that are not the hodgepodge set of a college student. I also registered for silicone cooking utensils, since I am so worried about damaging my cookware. I am sure that, after a few scratches, it will become less important, but to start with I am excited to take my time and keeping it pretty.

If I were to keep daydreaming about my kitchen, it would include names like Emile Henry and Le Creuset. But if I got all of that now, there would be no fun upgrades later in life.

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fighting like a lamb

“Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom.” -Luke 12:32

“He tends His flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to His heart; He gently leads those that have young.” -Isaiah 40:11

“The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing… He refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for His name’s sake. Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.” -Psalm 23: 1, 3-4

The best way to fight lies and fear is through Scripture. Satan can do nothing to refute God’s Word {Matthew 4:1-11}. I believe it is my sword and it is sharp {Ephesians 6:17, Hebrews 4:12}. So as I am frustrated and worried and exhausted, I am going to fight back by clinging to my Shepherd and letting Him lead, because I am doing a terrible job of it on my own.

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different people

Eric and I were talking last night about when we first met a year and a half ago. He was wondering if we seemed like the same people, and I said nope.

notice the awkward distance between us, leaning in slightly but not too closely...

It’s hard to believe that this was our first “date.” Well, sort of. More like the first time we ever spent more than five minutes talking together, and it just happened to be a weekend in Memphis for his fraternity formal. At the time, I definitely had no idea that I would end up starting to like him, then decide I did not want to date him, then end up dating him, then be engaged to him, and – soon – marry him!

I don’t feel like he is the same person. At all. It’s weird to connect the two, honestly. Maybe because it took me so long to put away my fear and date him. Maybe because he was able to let his guard down once he realized I wasn’t perfect so he didn’t need to try to be.

Whatever the reason, I know the Lord has grown and shaped us both, and I am so thankful for the people we have become, both individually and together.

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your call is important to us.

I don’t believe the voice on the other end any more telling me that someone will be with me shortly.

Yesterday, I sat “on hold” for customer service with this company for 10 minutes. I tried again later, and waited fifteen minutes. Then, I gave up, thinking maybe they were either really busy in the afternoons or they were away from their desks for a party (which happens at our company every so often).

So I called first thing this morning, and have been faced with the same thing. In fact, as I type this, I am positioned with the phone propped between my ear and my shoulder, the tangled cord draped across my arm.

For the life of me, I cannot get that cord to straighten out.

I don’t ever want to be a voice like this. I hope people believe what I say. Because this guy, though automated, has lost all credibility with me, after spending 40+ minutes on hold over the past 24 hours and never getting to speak to a single person.

Thus, after another 15 minutes, I am hanging up.

 

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