Author: Samantha Barnes

20-something Arkansan navigating through the early years of marriage with Eric, a stud of a husband, and Ridley, a border collie pup.

a reflection after two years of marriage

earlier this month, we celebrated our two year anniversary. time just flies.

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disclaimer before i begin: this post is not meant to be like one of those blog posts being spread around facebook which tells you the secret behind a happy marriage. or the top ten things to look for in a spouse. or anything like that, which someone will inevitably write a rebuttal to.

those rebuttals are written because every relationship is different, and everyone wants their own word in the conversation. every marriage is different. every story is different. there is no cookie-cutter way to find marital bliss. please don’t take this post that way, but as a reflection on what i have learned after two years into this adventure.

the most important aspect of our marriage, after reflecting on our past year, is a strong relationship with Jesus on the part of both of us.

john and stasi eldredge write the following in love and war:

the greatest gift you can give to your marriage is for you to develop a real relationship with Jesus Christ… We are not simply talking about believing in God. There are many good people who believe in God, but for all practical purposes they still look to their spouse to make them happy… We’re talking about a relationship where you are finding in God the life and love your soul so desperately needs.

and after the past year of marriage, this is more true than ever.

the first year of marriage was easy, as far as my relationship with eric went. we endured our share of hardships and learning curves, but all in all, the difficulties came from outside our oneness.

the second year of marriage has had its share of career changes and  financial woes and stress from sharing a car for half of it. life isn’t going to just stop. but more than that, it seemed to add a new level of weight to my relationship with eric. the things we were going through outside our oneness crept inside our oneness. one example is making a life-decision which affected both of us – joining staff with cru – which not only invited in all sorts of doubts and stress in simply trying to be on the same page with this decision, but also seemed to open up a whole new field of spiritual warfare.

the enemy doesn’t quit. if you are a believer, he is always finding new ways to get his foot in the door in your life, and when you get married, it affects both of you. when eric is wrestling, i am wrestling and fighting alongside him – whether i choose it or not. that’s the thing about getting married and becoming one.

and i am not here to brag. we don’t have this thing down all the time. but i can see growth in our relationship, in how much more quickly we realize that we need to pray, and that things aren’t right with God. we aren’t always consistent with our individual quiet times. but when we are, it makes a difference.

and it is most definitely a we thing. my walk with God is not – and cannot – be enough to sustain eric in the long run. when he is struggling, i can be a strength for him, but it will not be the solution (and visa versa, because, i’ll be honest, i feel that i am weak more often than he).

i don’t know how we would make it through marriage if we weren’t individually walking with God and growing in that walk. i don’t know how anyone would make it.

it is that relationship, with Christ, from which everything else is born and cultivated. 
servant attitude. intimacy. selflessness. truth. healthy community. love. friendship. patience.

and praise the Lord, we each had cultivated our personal walks with Him before we got married. before we met, even. not that it can’t be done after you get married, and not that God isn’t glorified in that, but i think the path might be harder.

so, dear single friends, don’t settle. don’t allow your emotions to justify that a boy will figure out a relationship with God later and that building the foundation of the relationship between the two of you is what matters right now. and don’t tell yourself that you will be satisfied in God after He give you a boy, because that won’t happen (at least it hasn’t for me). don’t put off growing in your walk with the Lord because it doesn’t affect anyone else right now. it will.

and dear married friends, give the best gift to your spouse that you can – make time for Christ above all else. it is more important than laundry and a clean house, more important than a well-stocked bank account, more important than a successful career, more important than passion and romance. He will give you what you need to love your spouse “for better or for worse.” when you walk with Christ, it will affect the success of your marriage in a greater way than anything material can, and it will produce a Christ-centered marriage.

which is not going to be perfect, by the way, but it is worth it. so worth it. 

 

**thanks to our sweet friend hilary cranford for our two year anniversary/christmas card photos!

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gratitude for the mundane

i know the point of social media is to display the highlights of your life. you post pictures of the exciting moments, the fancy dinners, the cute things your kids do. it’s a place to brag on yourself and your life without having to justify it.

but the problem comes in when you grow discontent with your life because everyone else’s lives look more fun/exciting/interesting/meaningful/fill-in-the-blank.

we aren’t ready to have kids yet, but when i see pictures of moms and sweet moments with their littles, i get baby-fever for a second. pictures don’t show sleepless nights and discipline issues and cleaning up messes – just the good stuff.

it’s an unrealistic picture of life – it’s one-sided.

and the solution for social media-induced restlessness is gratitude, which leads to contentment. so please don’t see this post as me bragging, but simply finding things to be grateful for in the midst of a more mundane season.

i am grateful for squash that turns into spaghetti when roasted, and for being able to serve dinner in a squash-shell.

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i am grateful for bean boots and fall walks with our pup.

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i am grateful for a pup who likes to watch me make dinner and wash dishes.

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i am grateful for evenings alone to get lost in my thoughts – and for the anticipation of my husband returning home. i am grateful for God’s provision and how it is always enough.

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do dogs have a “good side”?

our sweet friend hilary took some pictures of us recently so that we can have a good photo for christmas cards. i feel like sending our christmas cards is such an adult thing.

ridley behaved for most of the shots, but this is one of our favorites:

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what kind of face is that??

this one is another keeper:

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pretty sure i am off in my own world instead of paying attention to eric and ridley… and i look like i have the excitement of a six year old at getting to play with leaves.

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it’s the thrill of the {moment before the} fight

there is something exhilarating about the moment you realize you are headed into battle.

like in middle school, when we would play capture the flag – those few seconds right before the whistle blew, when we were each planning our strategies and eyeing the other team and anticipating the yell to “charge!”

like in high school, right before basketball games – we would be standing in a line at the entrance to the gym, and the first notes of “eye of the tiger” would play, signaling us to run out on the court for our warm-up routines. i still can’t hear that song without feeling adrenaline rush through my system.

like in my first year of marriage – i got home from work, found eric on the porch, and heard him say that he had been let go from his job. i still look back and claim that as one of my favorite moments of our first year together.

you know something is about to happen. you are bracing yourself for the worst but hoping for the best. you don’t have clear expectations, but you know there will be both victory and defeat. and – as in the last example – you know that you have no choice but to move forward and trust that God knows what He is doing.

it’s moments like that when i have to surrender to the sovereignty of God. i can clench my fists and grip my planner and say, ‘this isn’t what i had in mind,’ but it won’t change the circumstances. it won’t change the plans God has for my sanctification and for His glory – despite what the enemy says.

because we do have an enemy in the battle.

i never want to give the enemy too much credit, as he is not necessarily the one who has instigated the battle. but i never want to underestimate him, because i know he will use the battle as a catalyst for his plot to destroy the kingdom of God.

satan wants to get in the last word when it comes to who God is and what He is doing. he wants to tell us that ‘God is not loving’ and ‘God is not worth fighting for’ and ‘God is not really on your side.’ he wants to wear us down with lies to exhaust us and remove us from being effective in the fight.

the good news is, our God has already won the battle. we have no need to fear – we are called to press on. to counter the enemy’s attack attempts with truth. to move forward in faith that God is taking care of everything. to hold fast to Him.

i am not afraid of the battles to come. i am not strong on my own, but i serve a victorious God, and i will rejoice in that moment before the battle begins, because it is a new opportunity to see what He can do.

and, especially in marriage, i will rejoice that i am fighting the battle with my husband by my side. there’s something romantic and empowering about being in it together, and it gives me continued confidence that the Lord knew what He was doing when He joined eric and i. not only to fight for each other, but to fight together.

so if you find me dancing around to survivor and practicing punches in the air, don’t be alarmed – i am in that moment before the battle begins, and i am preparing to fight.

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love affair

I confess, this is the season of a love affair.

As an October baby, it’s almost destiny that it happen this way. The first few brightly-colored leaves flirtatiously catch my eye, and from there, it’s a domino effect leading to weakened knees. The breeze ruffles its fingers through my hair. Wool socks cuddle close to my feet, hidden beneath boots. Morning fog whispers to come chase it through the dew. Cricket songs join with the symphony of falling foliage, and a certain pleasant chill sweeps through open doors and windows to settle on our wood floors.

My God woos my heart through each piece of this season. He catches my attention, teaches me to slow my steps and smell the scent that is distinctly autumn. His presence meets me as I zip up my fleece and take a walk with Him. There is no time of year where I know His presence so clearly as I do now. He is always faithful to capture my heart.

And it’s only fitting that He also provided this as the season I fell in love with my husband.

With walks through the park and collecting leaves and drinking hot chocolate, God began to weave our romance throughout an October and November setting. Our first date – carving pumpkins underneath strung twinkling lights. The first time I told him, “I like you.”** The first time we held hands. The first time I looked into his eyes and thought about forever. It was this time of year.

Then a full year later, our love story was once again turning a page, and we got married beneath a canopy of red and brown and orange.  That same breeze rustled through our vows, and the symphony of falling leaves celebrated our kiss. We were pronounced man and wife, and a gray sky held off rain to witness our union.

My heart quickens at the thought of each new day and the magic I will find therein. I know I have a God pursuing me, drawing me to Himself and to a celebration of Who He is as Creator. It’s the best kind of party, with crunchy leaves and apple cider, and I am dizzy with His love.

 

**I actually was too embarrassed to tell him, so one night we were playing Mad Gab, and after he left to go home, I sent him a text in Mad Gab form : “Aisle Haiku,” and let him translate it.

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treasure

leaves

october is typically one of my most prolific months of writing. so many treasures translate to words during this time of year. but for some reason this year, the words aren’t flowing.

and i am learning to be okay with my days that feel “off.”

so hopefully i will be in a place to write soon, but for now, i am just pressing on

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observations of a substitute teacher

  • technology has changed. junior high and high school have not.
  • ninth grade girls are sweet and not snooty yet.
  • tenth grade girls are starting to become snooty.
  • ninth grade boys are still weird.
  • the above did not surprise me.
  • if you walk around with a lost look on your face, an adult is sure to take pity on you and ask if you are a sub.
  • if you walk around with a lost look on your face, kids wonder if you belong there.
  • washington irving will always be more interesting to you than to tenth graders.
  • literature will always be more interesting to you than to tenth graders.
  • when teachers don’t leave enough work for the class to do, quickly resort to games like “mafia” and “heads up, seven up.” this means you will have extended periods of silence.
  • if you don’t give junior high boys the death glare, they will zip their lunch boxes up over their heads. just to see if they can.
  • there’s always the one kid who gets excited about grammar. i was that kid, and this week i got to teach that kid.
  • someone should tell the substitute where to eat lunch.
  • if the above doesn’t happen, she will eat standing alone by a microwave in the kitchen.
  • if you have a past connection with the headmaster of the school, other faculty will ask for dirt on that headmaster. prepare beforehand, unlike me.
  • let kids discuss in groups before discussing as a class. it takes up time and they get their chattiness out so that they can actually discuss in class.
  • if no one shows up to your fourth period class, don’t panic. their regular teacher probably switched the classrooms, so she knows, but the school secretary will panic with you and help you run around checking other rooms.
  • if a boy introduces himself, and other boys grin, he is probably giving you a fake name.
  • remembering names on day two is impressive. and a method of authority.
  • ninth grade boys think the iliad is cool if you tell them about the achaeans dragging hektor’s dead body around behind a chariot.
  • thank the lord for each student who is bold enough to tell his/her classmates to chill out and pay attention.
  • i would do it again.
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the near but not yet

evening dawns earlier each night as cool air moves in and fills the crevices in our doors and windows.

you might not know it when running errands mid-afternoon, sweat dripping along your back and sticking flyaway hair to your forehead, but seasonal change nears. it’s as if the stars still awake in early morning are whispering, “fall is close.”

creation clues us to what is ahead. if only i caught such clues for myself.

sometimes, in the midst of high heat indexes and brittle grass, I wish for change to happen more quickly than the process plans for. I wish for something other than the sweltering summer-

though just a few months prior to that wish, I was shivering, craving the very thing I am now wanting to escape.

never content never made for a rested soul, and i am weary from longing for what is further down this path.

“you have made us for yourself, o lord, and our hearts are restless until they rest in you.” -st. augustine

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confession: I can’t throw a perfect party

I have learned that cooking and hosting others is one of my love languages.

My junior year of college was the year I moved out of the dorms and into a house with my own bedroom, a non-community bathroom, and a full kitchen. My love for hosting probably started with the group of sophomore girls who came over for Bible study each week. I had so much fun testing different cakes and cookies and cheese dips on that group of girls – who typically had no problem finishing it all before they left.

Once Eric and I got married and moved into our own little house, I couldn’t wait to invite people over for dinner. I spent so much time looking through recipes trying to figure out the perfect meal to cook for our guests. Hosting a church community group of 12 or so has been one of my favorite things – despite spending half the day in the kitchen and cleaning the house, there is something so energizing for me to have others in my home.

I daydream about throwing fabulous dinner parties, whether I am feeding four or fourteen. I want to create sensational centerpieces and have soft music playing in the background and provide a place for community to happen in a very coordinated, looks-pretty-in-pictures type of way. I get giddy at the idea of matching serving dishes and a full dining room table.

The reality, though, is that my dinner parties never end up exactly the way I picture them. I build up these grand ideas in my mind of things to do to make it more of a “party” than a standard potluck, but then I get to the day and time goes faster than I think. And I realize that there is not enough space in our home for everything. I have to accept the fact that we rent a home with outdated wallpaper and limited counter space. Pinterest kitchen remodels are something I can only store for the future, and our dining room table is barely big enough for four people + food, six if everyone really loves each other.

And honestly, if we have a group bigger than six, we will probably use disposable dishes and silverware, thanks to not having a dishwasher.

Despite my desire for the perfect party, I have learned that a successful dinner party has nothing to do with how well the presentation is put together.  It’s all about the people.

Community happens when I let others into my little kitchen, bumping into each other as they finish a salad and I organize the silverware. It happens when we do crowd one-too-many people around our dining table, or pull up some camping chairs for additional seating. It happens over the sink full of dirty dishes after we eat, and it happens on the screened in porch as we enjoy dessert.

Community happens when I let others into the less-than-picture-perfect and I let them get involved. I am learning to be okay with not having everything sorted out in my life, and – even more challenging than that – learning to admit it to others.

But it’s not about the coordinated dishes and the pretty place card holders. It’s about authenticity. And I long to rest in the authentic instead of stressing over unattainable perfection – both for parties and for relationships.

I am still learning. And confession feels good.

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