Sometimes I fear trying to start writing.
It’s easy to tell people what I am dreaming about when they ask. I don’t mind sharing why I chose a degree in creative writing and how I hope to use it. Those dreams — the desire to tell stories, to knit my soul to yours, to help you see Jesus in daily life — run deep. They’ve been there for a long time.
But something keeps me from taking action, whether that action is simply writing a blog post or whether it is reaching out to another writer. And it’s that “something” that I need to figure out.
I think I’m afraid of not quite getting it. Of knowing ways to compose letters and sounds yet not being able to quite tune it just right. I’m no musician, but I know that something off-key turns what could be a beautiful song into simply noise. I don’t want my words to just be noise in the midst of a world with more than enough already going on without my little screechy song. I want to arrange my thoughts together in a way that brings peace in the midst of the daily chaos, hope while one is in the dark, encouragement to fight against loneliness. I want to teach you the words so that you can sing the song yourself while you are walking through your own struggle.
I think I’m afraid of not being able to tie it all together. The balloon man’s art is always a mystery until you see the finished product, and I want an ending like that with everything I write – and everything I experience, honestly. I want “the moral of the story,” the pretty bow at the end, the balloon dog or giraffe or whatever to hold in my own hands.
But life doesn’t always work like that. And a writing piece might not always, either. It might not always make sense (like the direction this post is quickly headed), or it might not have a moral to the story. Because, honestly, my life sometimes seems to be missing a puzzle piece or two. Always the critical ones – isn’t that how it goes? I can’t quite tell what the picture is supposed to be, and I guess that’s where I come back to trusting in a God who can see the whole thing.
So my goal is to trust. And to push past fear and write, even if just for myself.