After a full day of wearing many hats (problem solver, complaints department, personal shopper, bad news bearer), it feels good to just sit. To zone out a little. To allow Norah Jones’s crooning to loosen the furrows in my forehead. To expectantly listen for the Lord.

The Spirit and the Bride say, “Come.” And let the one who hears say, “Come.” And let the one who is thirsty come; let the one who desires take the water of life without price.” {Revelation 22.17}

Dear Lord, I am thirsty.
I am needy.
I am useless.
Yet You want me?

The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing. {Zephaniah 3.17}

We aren’t just invited to “come” because God is a people-pleaser who can’t leave anyone out. He is not extending His hand out of guilt. He wants us! Wants me! He desires to just be with me.

The best way I can understand this longing to be in someone’s presence is through my experiences with my husband. Even if we aren’t necessarily talking – reading books together on the couch or driving down back highways with the windows open – I sincerely enjoy his presence.  After a long day at work, all I want to do is to curl up on the couch and lean my head against his shoulder. When he went through a period at work where he was staying up late to finish tasks, I requested that he work by lamp light in our bedroom so that I could just know he was there while I was falling asleep.

But as much as I love being around him, there are times where I need separation. Actually, as I write this, I am home alone – I sent him off to community group without me because I just needed the house to myself. I needed to decompress and work things out in myself.

God’s not like that.

And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. {Ezekiel 36:25}

This is where the analogy breaks down. God’s love is perfect. He doesn’t tire of us, even when we our emotions are in a funk. Even when we screw up. Even when no one else wants to be around us, God still longs for us. Wants to redeem us. Wants to hold us and change us.

I don’t want to be thankful for this season, honestly. It’s hard to be thankful when you feel lost. And I feel scared that, if I am thankful, God won’t bring change. Then I read this passage in Jesus Calling the other day:

Expect to encounter adversity in your life, remembering that you live in a deeply fallen world. Stop trying to find a way that circumvents difficulties. The main problem with an easy life is that it masks your need for Me.

Crapdangit.

An easy life is what I want. Honestly speaking. Which is why I don’t want to be thankful during the now. Because nothing happening right now is easy.

But if God is good, this is good. All of it. It will never be satisfyingly good, because that’s what heaven is for. And once I become too attached to earth, I don’t want heaven. And I don’t want God to grow me because I am comfortable and it will hurt.

God, I’m not comfortable. This hurts. But it reminds me that I need You. So I guess it’s what I want in the end. So Lord, I’m coming into Your presence, broken as I am, and trusting that You won’t give up on me.

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. {Lamentations 3.22-3}

PTL.