I haven’t caught any lightning bugs lately.
I haven’t even looked for them. I’ve been inside, shut blinds, resenting darkness. But it’s probably my own fault for not wandering to look for light source. Or at least turning on a lamp.
When children are afraid of the dark, they beg for a night light. Or the hall light with a cracked open bedroom door. To rid yourself of the dark, you cling to light. Apparently, not me. Apparently, I choose to sit in darkness. I moan, I complain, I cry, I ask God questions. My husband bears the brunt of it, too. And as much as I long to see, I feel stuck. Immobility has overtaken my mentality.
As much as I want to be positive. As hard as I try to walk by faith. As many times as I have convinced myself that this is all a part of God’s plan.
I am here. I feel like I am quickly losing the fight, and part of the reason for my defeat is not the Enemy, but my own fleshly failures. I am choosing to give up, to sit and mope. I’ve fought long enough, and I don’t want to any more. Which means the only person deserving of my consequences is myself.
I know there will be redemption in the end – I can’t wait to see how glory is formed from the opposite – but right now I might just need to sit in the darkness and continue to question. Maybe in the darkness I can listen for a Divine Voice to make sense of all.