There have been months upon months of feeling overwhelmed with sadness and grief. Months of questions and devastation and hopes that this will all be over soon.
But there have also been months of peace.
I am so thankful that the past few months have been lived more in a place of rest than a place of striving. Circumstantially, we had to wait–they tell you to wait three months in between male testing, as that’s how long it takes for a new cycle of sperm to be produced. While it’s been more like five months, and we are anticipating his new test soon, I have also been thankful for the almost forced pause for us.
In this, I have learned to focus my mind on the present, unable to rush time. And, thankfully, instead of fidgeting and whining in our break, I have found peace with what the Lord is doing in our lives right now.
Honestly, that peace is a little scary sometimes. My mind begins to play tricks on me, making me question whether or not pregnancy is really something I want. I mean, if I am able to foster contentment right now, is infertility really as hard as I have been making it out to be? Am I just being dramatic on my hard days?
Peace can cause me to second-guess how I am living through this season, and it can make me self-conscious with others when they ask how I am doing. I wonder if they are judging me, comparing how I am doing some months with other months.
And that is the wrong way to look at peace. That, in fact, is rejecting peace from God, because all of a sudden I don’t have peace about being at peace!
Just because I have settled into contentment some months doesn’t mean that my longings are gone or that my struggle has been meaningless. I don’t need to second-guess the past two and a half years of ups and downs, the sadness and the anticipation and the disappointed hopes.
Peace is such a sweet relief, a break from the emotions and the pain. The longings aren’t gone, but peace is being settled in the here and now, not allowing myself to focus on the uncertainty of the future.
If you find yourself in a pattern of rest and contentment, accept it as a gift from the Lord instead of doubting and second-guessing what this means for your journey as a whole.
Also, recognize underlying attempts to prove yourself to others–whether you are trying to prove your pain, or prove your spirituality and your acceptance of this season, or whatever it is. I often find that my rejection of peace comes with a certain level of pride in wanting others to see me a certain way, instead of resting in a God-given identity and his grace-filled attitude toward me.